The Unorthodox Baby Glossary

Deathrattle – That last disturbing yowl through the monitor right before the baby falls asleep.

Hitler – The name you call to see if your baby is answering to their name,or just any word you throw out there. They almost always answer to Hitler.

Shitsnacks – Giving the baby a bottle to calm her down when she starts to grunt and you know the craptacular finish is nigh.

Painting the walls – What happens when you take off the diaper just in time for the shitstorm.

Toyocide – What you’re going to commit when that effing dinosaur sings “ABC” for the 9ooth time merely because you breathed in the direction of its sensitive buttons.

Slimed – What happens when a baby’s mouth brushes against any part of you. You get “slimed.”

Asshole – The baby. Yes. Babies can be assholes. Mine just punched me in the face and then giggled. She knows what she did. Asshole.

Zombiewalk – 3am. Time to feeeed.

There are more, but I’m too tired to think of them. Maybe I’ll do a sequel to this post, with even less orthodox baby terms. What are some of your own additions to the baby glossary?

You may also like...