It’s Negligible

Now that I’m a parent, there are a few things that should bother me, but somehow don’t. I think about things I would not have tolerated before creating life, that now just don’t seem like a huge deal. Here is a short list of stuff that would have been unacceptable before baby, but now they’re kind of…negligible.

  1. Getting puked on 3+ times a day
    Babies throw up. A lot. Damn near constantly. I’ve given up on playing t-shirt Russian Roulette–where I don’t throw a receiving blanket over my shoulder before holding the baby and hope for the best. Could you imagine having an adult roommate who walked by every few hours and spewed all over your shirt without warning? This kind of behavior is unacceptable from adults, but for babies…they puke and I say, “Aww…are you spittin’ up? Poor baby.” Clearly I’ve lowered my standards for socially acceptable behavior.
  2. Discussing the consistency and frequency of feces
    “It’s kind of…gritty – like those cheesy instant grits?”
    “It’s like pea soup today.”
    “Oh’s everywhere…and it’s so…sticky…
    That’s right-  what’s in her diaper is somehow now a perfectly acceptable topic of conversation.
  3. Discussing the dilation of my cervix with strangers
    I was picking up a few groceries the other day, and the lady helping me to my car just had to know how dilated I was when we finally got checked in at the hospital. And you know what? I told her.
  4. Bragging about my nipples
    If you think being proud of your dilation is weird, how about me shamelessly nipple-bragging? “These suckers are hardcore. I haven’t cracked or bled once. I barely ever use lanolin.” That’s right. My nips are bad-ass, and I’ll tell you about it during dinner.
  5. A “negligible” amount of poo
    Never in my life has there ever been a negligible amount of poo anywhere, except maybe the toilet. I’ve never looked at a shit-smear and said to myself, “Well, that’s not that much.” or “I can wash this later.” It used to be that ANY crap, was TOO MUCH crap. Now…well, it’s negligible.

What have I become?


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